Be proud of yourself. You are the only one who can jurge your doings. Noboby can't tell you anything about your life. You are free to make your own disision and especially mistakes, to love who you wish to love as much as you want. Listen, if you realize for a second that you live even if you feel the real pain in a soul, even if you are empty for a reason.... You are alive no matter what. You feel hence you live.